The inescapable truth

Hej!

The holidays have ended. A new semester has begun. I am now officially a 2nd year student. Classes began a couple of days back. And, very frankly, I am a bit surprised about the fact that I have no idea how I feel about all of these recent developments.

The past few days have left me confused. Very confused. Till about a week back, I was sure about my reaction towards going back to IIT after a (very) long break. I was sure I was going to feel sad and dissatisfied and immensely unhappy about going through another 4 months of uninterrupted torture at a place I have, over the past year, come to strongly dislike. I was angry and irritated about the imminent end of the vacations. I was filled with dread at the prospect of attending never-ending lecture classes in the ominous-looking main building. I was filled with even more dread at the prospect of worrying about grades and marks all over again. Still more dread filled me when I thought about walking once again among people who were never more comfortable than when talking about the latest difficult Kinematics problem. And more than all of that, I was dreading the prospect of being addressed as an IC as I walked down long, seemingly endless, corridors.

But that was a week ago. Very surprisingly, as the day college was scheduled to reopen came closer, my angst and frustration were slowly replaced by very mixed feelings about my return to IIT. It is true that I never, at any point of time, actually looked forward to attending IIT again, like I used to do when school was involved, but I distinctly remember moments of uncertainty, when I remember feeling not all that bad about going back to IIT as I would have myself believe.

The last two days have done nothing to help me make up my mind. I remain as uncertain as ever. My feelings of ambivalence have, in fact, augmented since the day college reopened. If I was undecided about my feelings towards IIT at the time college reopened, I'm downright confused now. On the one hand, I am, after a gap of more than two and a half months, once again seriously contemplating suicide as an option. However, on the other hand, contrary to whatever I may have said earlier, and in spite of all the magnetic darts and brief newspaper appearances, I have to admit that the just concluded holidays have been a bit more boring than I had expected them to be. I can't really say I'm happy to be back at IIT, because I'm not, but saying I'm unhappy would just be an uncharitable lie.

Which brings me to a peculiar and rather upsetting conclusion that emerges logically from the above given facts. I have no idea when or how this happened, but for better or for worse, IITD and some of the people I know here have become an important part of my life. And nothing I might do or say, including bitching about IIT on this blog to keep it up and running, can change that.

I had intended to make this post a lot longer. I had intended it to be an introspective post telling everybody (myself included) what I thought about my holidays. I had also intended it to be a detailed account of the past two days, wherein I was supposed to write about the as-boring-as-ever classes, the as-weird-as-ever professors, a revamped CSC, a delightful couple of hours I recently spent in the Nilgiri Music Room, and a very interesting freshers'-quiz, but the philosophical implications of what I have just written have left me a bit dazed, and I don't much feel like writing any more.
So screw you guys, I'm going home.