Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Phew!

The last couple of paragraphs are nice. The rest of this entry is very eminently skippable. Just thought I'd let you know.

The minors are over. They reached their conclusion this Sunday, much on their own volition. They were, expectedly and quite unsurprisingly, unmitigated disasters. Each and every one of them. But, they're over, and, while I am quite happy that they are, the complex set of feelings that I experience currently do not quite conform to the usual sense of exhilaration that I generally experience immediately after a set of minor examinations. They are, to put it simply, different. They are much of the same quality, but not quite of the same magnitude. But before that, for purposes of better understanding, allow me to acquaint you with the way examinations usually work with me.

It all starts with denial, and it sets in about a week before the examinations are due to begin. I wake up in the morning, and simply refuse to acknowledge their existence. This period usually lasts about four days, and during these four days, I flatly refuse to admit, to myself or to others, the fact that the set of examinations in question is fast approaching. I flounce about, doing the things I usually do, doing them the way I usually do them, and, and this is the trickiest part of the process, filtering out all examination related thought and talk from normal non-examination related thought and talk and fiercely guarding against its entry into my head. It is this stage which probably sees me at my hysterical best, mostly because everyone around, at this point of time, is usually completely losing it, and seeing them completely losing it makes me hysterically happy. People don't like to talk to me too much during this period, for I am, most undoubtedly, quite a handful even when not at my hysterical best.

Then, approximately 70-80 hours before the first exam is due to start, comes the critical point in time when it suddenly dawns on me that the examinations are approaching, and not thinking about them, while an excellent means of keeping myself sane, wouldn't quite be very effective as far as making them go away is concerned. At this juncture, I almost invariably sit up rather suddenly, and cause all the things in my lap to fall down (I once broke a thermometer that way. I also once banged vital organs against the table that way. They hurt like crazy. Needless to say, I didn't do too well on the exams that followed.). This is when I completely lose it. I reach an excited and frenzied state, and it is in this excited and frenzied state that I start studying. I study for about an hour. Then I realize I am not getting anywhere. Then I call Mridul.

Mridul informs me about the syllabus, and tries to persuade me that much of it can be managed within the time that I have left. Somewhat reassured, I return to my studies. But try as I might, I am still unable to make much sense of the course. This is when I take contingency measures. I call Mayank.

There is much that can be said about Mayank, and most of it is not pleasant. But one must admit, if one is an objective observer and does not have a clandestine propaganda of one's own, that when it comes to patience, few manage to even come close to achieving levels that for Mayank are merely a walk in the park. The man is a virtual storehouse of patience. He cultivates, especially around examination season, an almost Buddhist attitude towards life. He listens to me ranting and raving for about 20 minutes (sometimes more), and interrupts only at times when I become insane enough to be unable to form coherent sentences. He then puts in a word or two, allowing me to cool down, and then promptly reverts to listening me rant and rave.

Then I sleep. All the shouting and yelling gets me tired. And when I get up, I get cracking. I study day and night, losing interest rarely and contemplating suicide only once every 3-4 hours. I direct all my (with me, that's not a lot) mental resources towards one goal, 'Surviving The Exams'. I consume jars of coffee. Somehow, under-slept, under-fed and half conscious, I make it to the first exam. I take it. I invariably mess it up. Then I get sad and disillusioned and my frequency of contemplating suicide goes up marginally. I start questioning the utility of my existence. These philosophical pursuits leave me rather unequipped to handle my second exam. After screwing that one up, I manage to settle to an almost consistent level of incompetence, and I wreck one exam after the other as the week crawls along.

When the last exam finishes, I sigh and say to myself, "Well. That didn't go too well. That didn't go too well at all. I'll study more next time." Then, I jump with joy (carefully though, for some of these IIT tables have very sharp edges), exclaim a joyful exclamation (like 'woo-hoo', or 'whoopa', or words to much the same effect), and spend the rest of the day dazed and high-spirited.

However, something odd happened this time. I did not go into denial-mode. Four days later, I did not hurt my dick. I did not make the customary distress calls. The minors arrived, and passed in a dull and hazy blur. One thing, however, did remain unchanged. They were just as bad as always.

When I reached the end of the last test, I sighed the sigh. I said to myself, "Well. That didn't go too well. That didn't go too well at all. I'll study more next time." Then, I jumped with joy (carefully though, for some of these IIT tables have very sharp edges). Then, something odd happened.
I stopped. I knew there was supposed to be more, but I couldn't figure out what that more was. It was only on my way home that I realized what it was, and the realization left me reeling with the slightly odd sensation of having been slapped in the face with a wet rag.

There had been no exclamation. There had been no 'woo-hoo'. There had been no 'whoopa'. And there had been no words to much the same effect.

Something was wrong. I was not exhilarated. I was very clearly not exhilarated. Relieved, yes, but not exhilarated. For if I was exhilarated, I would have exclaimed. I would have said 'woo-hoo' or 'whoopa' or words to much the same effect. But I hadn't, and I was, therefore, very conclusively not exhilarated.
My hypothesis is that age is finally catching up with me. But then, I could be wrong.


My lack of exhilaration, however, did not quite prevent me from having the time of my life on the rest of Sunday and Monday (which was a holiday for me). After being closeted in my room for about a week, leaving only about once a day, and that too to take a test, I found it very pleasant spending two whole days outside the house, in the wild outdoors, where men are men, beasts are beasts, and small furry creatures with pink noses that multiply quickly (the creatures, not the pink noses) are called rabbits.

On Tuesday, I slipped back into the monotony and tedium of IIT life. The last time I checked, I wasn't feeling too pleased with my dull and boring life, for I seldom do, but I definitely was relieved, for there seemed to be no more minors in sight to screw up. It will be a good long month before they rear their ugly head again.

Till then, I continue to grapple with myself, trying to find ways to maintain a philosophical calm while I am stripped of all dignity by the irony that is life. How else can one explain the fact that while Parvesh Nehra (He's an ass, by the way. That's all there is to know about him.) walks away with a simple and gentle reprimand for the 5 practical classes that he misses, I get deregistered from the same course for missing 1.
For the uninitiated, deregistration is not a good thing to happen, especially if you're at IIT. It tends to give rise to some rather inconvenient complications.

Before I sign off, I have a very pertinent question to raise. It is something that has been bothering me for a while now. I gave it some thought, because I was initially under the impression that the question, due to its rather awkward nature, was not quite fit to be put to people at large, but after much thinking, the answer continues to elude me, and therefore I have decided to ignore prudence and propriety, and have decided to ask for help. I hate unsolved puzzles, and any help in arriving at the answer to this particular question will be much appreciated.

Why do men spit in urinals?
If I've seen it once, I've seen it a hundred times. I've seen The Urinal-Spitters. They spit in the urinals. Their modus-operandi is somewhat similar. They enter the Gents' Washrooms as normal men do. They then proceed to relieve themselves, like normal men do. And just when they're about to leave and you begin to start thinking them normal, they look down and spit in the urinal.
So what exactly is the point that they are trying to make? What is the purpose of this wanton Urinal-Spitting? What makes men weak and despicable enough to stoop to such levels? What is their aim? Are they trying to show contempt towards the urine? Towards their own urine? Are they trying to tell us that they have nothing but disdain and derision for their own urine? And exactly what point does that serve?
Somebody help me, for I am lost. The questions just keep coming, and the answers, unfortunately, not so much.

Good Morning.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

u sure do try hard to sound a useless goodfornothing lost philosophising soul and put up useless questions for people who have nothing better to do than answer them. said that, i am not going to take u seriously and im going to attempt an answer to ur PUZZLE. first thing, i bet u wont like to gulp a walnut of saliva churning in ur mouth, and would do better not to spit out on a roadside (unless u are actually bent on giving others an impression of being an exaggerated version of the above mentioned soul). so u would try to find a dustbin (a remote option) or a dirtmound worthy enough of ur spit (ull find many). hence, given the biologics of ur body, if there is a surge of saliva while u r urinating , wat better than to send both kinds of excreta down the same drain. most people do that, as u have correctly observed, and if they miss out on this oppurtunity, they perform the ritual in the washbasin. as for the next time by any begotten misfortune i happen to be standing next to u in the public conveniences, please do not spit on me for showering my dumb intelligence on you.
"ïm a pro at procrastination"

11:40 am, February 23, 2006  
Blogger Phoenix said...

i skipped everything and went to the last pghs.
and then i skipped them too.

12:17 pm, February 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i thought u lost the ability to write this kind of stuff long ago.
at last, weirdo returned.
Phew!

4:34 pm, February 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did not hurt my dick...your point being?

4:59 pm, February 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MY TURN TOP POST SOME LYRICS NOW MUWHAHAHAHAH!!!
There’s something foul with my oral opening
I can not seem to control it, I object to everything
You know, I’m talking all the time

But I’ve got bupkiss to say
The ka-ka my vocal cords produce

Even outdid my ass today

Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!

Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to

Pseudo-provocative, I haven’t got a clue
What I’m referring to, I just argue ’til I turn blue
The sound of my own voice gives me

An intellectual high
I get off on my own arrogance

I’m so cynical I could cry

Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!

Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to

My mouth’s in good shape
My lips are itching
Spare me some duct tape

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!

Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to
Speak when spoken to

Manu,dont mid, I admire your writing just wanted you (and others) to check these funny lyrics
out!!!!

11:09 am, February 24, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

between your dick and this kand maharaj dick this blog is going to the dogs...

4:28 pm, February 24, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are itni mehnat minors ke liye karta to phod deta--Devesh

6:40 pm, February 24, 2006  
Blogger Manu Saxena said...

Anonymous, thank you for enlightening me. Considering that I don't even know who you are, I don't see any point in you being concerned about me showing my appreciation in the form of more concrete manifestations.

Phoenix, you didn't miss much. At least you were good enough to comment.

Yaksh, he has. I don't really think he had ever gone. He was just on a sabbatical.

Papadas, my point being exactly that. I didn't.

Mridul, get your own blog.

Devesh, shaayad. Though I very much doubt it.

6:44 am, February 25, 2006  
Blogger Manu Saxena said...

11 comments.
Yeii.

7:47 am, February 28, 2006  
Blogger Parvesh Nehra said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:30 pm, July 26, 2008  

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Thursday, February 16, 2006

How Many You Have?

Me, I have 5. And the first one begins in a little less than an hour.
Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.
Somebody.

1 Comments:

Blogger Manu Saxena said...

It sure does.
But they're over now.

Yeii.

6:55 pm, February 22, 2006  

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Tuesday

Every year, the 14th of February brings with it, as it approaches, dark tidings of evil days ahead. Every year, with unerring inevitability, St. Valentines Day, as it is commonly called, causes an almost overwhelming avalanche of nauseating mush. With sickening menace, it crawls up behind you, unseen and unheard. And then suddenly, it jumps up and corners you with its almost unlimited ammunition of love-struck schoolchildren, red painted hearts, roses, red painted heart-shaped cards, more roses, pink painted hearts, dreamy looking youngsters, more red painted hearts, heart shaped chocolate boxes, pictures of roses, more pink painted hearts, and the odd shameless couple making out in full public view. It is enough to make the strongest stomachs churn with disgust and leave the best of us unsuccessfully trying to grapple with our ill concealed distaste.
One may feel that my views on Valentine's Day are influenced, to a certain extent, by my current single status. Many might say that I am bitter merely because I am single, and that if I was in a relationship, I too, like many others, would be all hearts and candy about the whole phenomenon. I must, therefore, assure you, at this point of time, that that is not the case. I am, and have always been, a vociferous opposition to the whole Valentine's Day deal, although I have not very frequently voiced my opinions on the same. I have, nevertheless, stuck to my views over the past few years, relationship or no relationship. There is something about Valentine's Day that seems to go against my finer feelings. The entire exercise, I feel, is not only disgusting and insides-turning, but useless to the very extreme.
The entire concept of celebrating a relationship when everybody else around you is doing much the same is absurd. And then there is the RSS and The Bajrang Dal.
People, depending upon their personal preferences and idiosyncrasies, have different concepts of an ideal date. Different strokes, for different folks, I always say. But even I, accommodating though I might be, refuse to believe that anyone can genuinely enjoy a date when he (I speak mainly for all men, for the female of the species has a mind of her own, and it works in mysterious and unfathomable ways. You never quite know with them, as I frequently say.) has to keep in mind the fact that he might be thrown stones at or have his head shaved off sometime during it. Why anyone would agree to risk life, limb and hair merely to entertain on a particular day is a subject that has greatly mystified me over the years, and continues to, till this day.
While we are on the subject of the RSS and The Bajrang Dal, I would like to mention that though I might not, and do not, in any way, condone their actions and ideologies on a variety of issues, I do believe that their thoughts on Valentine's Day are not too far from mine. I do admit that when they wrench young men and women away from each others' embraces and proceed to shave off their heads, their methods are, perhaps, a bit crude and unwarranted, but at the same time, I have to say, that anybody who campaigns against Valentine's Day and throws stones at heart shaped paraphernalia, appears to me to be fundamentally sound in his/her thinking.
But I digress. Coming back to the topic under consideration, I would like to conclude as follows.
The square thing, therefore, for any self-respecting couple to do, I think, would be to denounce Valentine's Day in its entirety, and find some other day to cavort around the city. To others, you will give the precious gift of the ability to avoid death by mush-overload. And you wouldn't be doing too bad for yourself either, for the roads will be less congested, the coffee-houses and eating joints quieter, and you wouldn't have to worry too much about dodging stones aimed at you by men in brown shorts.
But what then, some might ask, do we do on Valentine's Day. Do we let this day pass, unaccounted and unused? Do we fail to utilize it? "No", I say. "Use it, by all means." Take my advice, and refrain from gifting your loved ones the usual and unimaginative roses and candy. I, on my part, would encourage you to take some time out and select for your significant other one of a variety of innovative Anti-Valentine Cards instead. In fact, I believe that they are such a good idea that you should go one step further and send them out to your insignificant others as well.
I just sent out 7.
Happy Tuesday.

6 Comments:

Blogger Phoenix said...

Happy Anti-Valentine's Day.

9:47 am, February 14, 2006  
Blogger Kaala Kavva said...

When I look at it from the idealistic aspect, I feel there's no difference between yesterday, today(14th) and tomorrow... nor in any other days to come. Its all stupidity roaming in disguise, these v-days b-days and stuff, but I must congratulate you for you have conjectured the practical aspect of the belief's idiocy. Have Phun.

1:10 pm, February 14, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

namu that was funny dude, i actually burst our laughing...thoughly enjoyed reading that...nice job.

4:06 pm, February 17, 2006  
Blogger Manu Saxena said...

There's only one person I know who calls me by that name. And I would like it to remain that way.
So please stop spreading the weird name around, Tara.

3:58 pm, February 21, 2006  
Blogger microCB said...

hi manu!!
first of all i wanna say that u write real well.though i hvn't gone thru all,but the posts i hv hv been fun to read.
on this post,i agree wid u that if one's in love why do they need to show it off and especially by getting those stupid stuff.
however manu,just think for once for those truly in love it wud be a special day.special day to rem each and every moment they shared,to tell each other that u r special,to be happy to have someone,having a bigger than life reason to thank God.
it's shudn't be anti valentine's day,but i guess a simply "i love u"shud be enuf.

8:01 pm, June 24, 2006  
Blogger AA said...

refreshing

8:00 am, March 10, 2007  

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Sunday, February 12, 2006

Mind The Gap

As tolerant as one might pride oneself to be, there come times when others' actions (or alternatively, inactions) chafe not a little. Irritability and exasperation at others, at times, take a hold on the best of us. Reading fairly long-sized posts with titles such as 'Revival', expecting great things to follow, and discovering that the blogger in question is not delivering, and is choosing instead to confound readers with apparently profound one-liners, does not, usually, go down well with the audience. It tends to leave many readers with the slightly odd sensation of being slapped in the face with a wet fish, and though it might not be at the very top of the aggravation-inducing-acts spectrum, like say, murdering a close relative, it does manage to come perilously close.

Therefore, I feel it compulsory to begin this post with an apology. My plan, evidently, never really took off. I failed quite miserably in achieving the modest goals I had set myself with respect to this blog. I never quite got around to fulfilling the objective of restoring this blog's continuity. I would, at this point of time, like to bring to everybody's notice that the reason I have thus failed to deliver is not, as many of you would undoubtedly believe, a lack of time, creativity, or motivation. Indeed, I have, over the past fortnight, written much more than I usually do. During this period, I have been successful in amassing a fairly large body of written material on a variety of subjects. However, most of this material remains unpublished on this blog because of the simple reason that I had, on a previous occasion, taken upon myself the responsibility of restoring this blog's continuity first, and only then proceeding to move on to the present or the near future. Recent events, however, and I am sure you will be glad to know this, have compelled me to abandon my plans.

This does not, however, in any way, mean that I no longer consider continuity to be one of the most fundamental aspects of a blog; a diktat to be adhered to assiduously at all points of time. What it merely means is this: Practicality and reality have finally caught up with me, and have forced me to, for the time being, shelve my idealistic aims, and move on with life, such as it is. I have, in short, decided that the moment seems to have finally arrived. The time is right, it seems, for killing the past, and coming back to life. One stage of my journey is over, but another has just begun.

Manu. Yes. That is what they used to call me. Manu Saxena. That was my name. I am Manu Saxena. And I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide.

6 Comments:

Blogger Rishi said...

Part 2, eh?

9:22 pm, February 12, 2006  
Blogger Kaala Kavva said...

Mannnu,
i must try to give you a suggestion.
okay. Stop trying to reassure you'll write.
Just start, simple.

I feel 'Whose Life ?' has become ''Whole Life's Life ?'
(nested quotes hai bachhe!)

1:09 am, February 13, 2006  
Blogger Kaala Kavva said...

whose*

1:09 am, February 13, 2006  
Blogger Kaala Kavva said...

@matt
oyeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exaggeratorr nahi!!!!!!!!

Ze Exaggeratorr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mind your keyboard!

12:32 pm, February 13, 2006  
Blogger Phoenix said...

Nice post, and I hope ur effort to key in such a verbose re-revival would motivate u enough to go on for some more.

12:32 pm, February 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

aahh !!
now i know whats 'literary dyspepsia'.

4:22 pm, February 13, 2006  

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Thursday, February 09, 2006

Hello

Nobody ever seems to remember; life is a game you play.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know why life's a game? because the more seriously you take things, the harder the rules become.

10:07 pm, February 09, 2006  
Blogger Phoenix said...

Shit this is so pseudo dude.

More one liners, huh?
And now we shall await the song lyrics, and then a silence!!
Phew!

4:08 am, February 10, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a chut

6:13 pm, February 10, 2006  
Blogger Ménk said...

papadas? so u're back huh?

n matt thanx 4 noticing that!

4:12 am, February 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

menk...huh

10:38 am, February 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

games are fun .

12:56 pm, February 12, 2006  
Blogger Manu Saxena said...

Phoenix, I totally agree.

Upayan, contrary to your beliefs, I have not chosen 'Hello' as my title for reasons you think to be true. If that was the case, I would have titled the post 'Hallau'. The coincidence, nevertheless, is interesting.

Papadas, I have to admit that I experience a great amount of difficulty in trying to imagine anyone with a name as dumb as yours saying that to me. Therefore, the next time you feel like abusing me, I would advise you to kindly leave behind a different name.

Anya, not all of them.

8:24 pm, February 12, 2006  

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